


You'll never know me

by emma_and_orlando



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: First Kiss, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, True Love, newtmas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:03:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4364078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma_and_orlando/pseuds/emma_and_orlando
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas gets teamed up for a important school project with someone he doesn't really know. Turns out that this person is very underrated and Thomas starts to feel things for him.<br/>While learning more about each other something big happens between them. How will it end?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll never know me

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops my first Newtmas long one-shot. Get ready people, stay sweet please, I'm not English!!!
> 
> Have fuuuun

"So, for the next big project, I made the groups by myself." The teacher says and the class starts groaning. "And there will be no exchanging and switching." He says and everyone gets a bored look.

The teacher started calling partners from his paper, and people start groaning or cheering. 

Thomas hated not getting to pick freely, but he got along with everyone really, so he didn't worried. Everyone was his friend in class

"Thomas O'Brien and Newton Sangster-" well except him...

Newton was the boy in the back of the class with the high grades and scholarships. Newton was the dude that never talked to anyone and always wore dark depressing clothes. Newton was that guy that never really had friends around him and sometimes seemed to be invisible. 

Thomas was scared of him. Newton always had that glare for everyone and man be judged people hard. 

He looked behind him and saw that Newton was writing something down in a little book.

He was wearing a leather jacket and black pants with grey sneakers. He also had a hoody on. 

Newton looked not like he cared about the world. He was writing and concentrating on himself.

"Dude, I'm so sorry for you." Minho says and Thomas turns to his best friend. "He's like the weirdest weirdo in weird land." Minho laughs and Thomas sighs loudly.

"With who are you?" Thomas asks and Minho shrugs. "Your ex-girlyfriend. Brenda is hopefully not having a grudge on us." Minho laughed and Thomas had to snigger a little. 

She hated Thomas and Minho was always glued to him, so she wouldn't be all too pleased with him. But Minho was charming enough to make it work.

"So... You better go approach your partner, cause you need to get your grades up and Newton may be cray-cray, he is smart." Minho says before pulling Thomas too his feet and pushing him to his partner.

Thomas stumbled over his own feet while walking to the back of the class. Cursing his friend while walking.

The closer he came to Newton, how colder the air felt. He was so nervous. 

It was more quiet here in the back than in the front of the class. 

He had almost reached his partner. What was he going to say? What. If he doesn't want to co-operate? What if-

"Hey, you're Newton right?" Thomas ask, not as enthusiastic as he normally is about people. But he said something that didn't sound all to bad. 

Newton looks up from what he was writing and looks at Thomas with a distrustful glare. "I don't particularly want to talk to anyone." Was all he said before writing again. It didn't sound angry or unfriendly, it sounded more like he was tired of talking. 

Thomas sighs and tells himself to try again, but be kinder and straight forward.

"So, Newton. We are assigned as partners." Thomas says and Newton looks up for a quick second, but than goes back writing, a slight smirk on his lips.

"And..." Thomas thinks he is losing the battle of keeping Newton's attention. "I hoped that we could start working this afternoon. I want to go for a high grade." He says and Newton looks back up, and holds Thomas' gaze tightly. The smile was not a smile, but not a not smile...

Thomas was confused.

"Grab a seat." Newton said and pointed at the one next to him. It was empty of course. He always sat alone.

Thomas sighed relieved that Newton was co-operating. He didn't want to end with another bad grade. 

He quickly and clumsily grabbed the seat and sat on it. "Good that you saved this place for me then." Thomas tried a joke, but Newton just raised his eyebrows and a odd expression on his face. Not particularly angry, but more like he didn't want Thomas to care.

"I sit alone, because sometimes it is better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you." Newton says and Thomas just looks blankly at him.

"Does everything you say sound like a book quote, Newton caus-" Thomas was cut off by Newton's hand in the air. 

"It's Newt." He says before closing his little book and gathering his stuff in his bag.

Thomas tries the name in his head and feels like laughing. Damn he is calls himself a lizard or so.

Not what he expected at all. 

Newt wasn't that bad at all. He was kinda interesting and Thomas was a curious person. 

He was absolutely kind of a weirdo, but not bad or threateningly. Thomas was wrong about being scared for him.

Newt got up to walk out of class. He swings his backpack over his shoulder and starts to walk to the door in a slow pace. Not glancing once at Thomas.

"WAIT!" Thomas calls out for him, and Newt turned around in the doorway to face him.

He raised a eyebrow, asking him what he wants without words. 

Thomas stands up and quickly walks after him. Leaving his stuff behind.

"I just wanted to ask how late and when we are going to start the project." Thomas says suggestively. And Newt scans him up and down. Like he was judging him hard. 

"I see you at the Stairs half past three. Take a notebook with you." Newt says before turning around, walking to his locker before next class.

Thomas needs to say something now. Like right now...

"I look forward to getting to know you!" He calls after the blonde boy and he actually turned around to smile at Thomas. 

"You'll never know me." He chuckles harder and turns to walk into the crowd of students.

That was so shucking interesting... 

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Yo Newt! Over here!" Thomas calls out and runs up the stairs to sit next to Newt. The boy had took off his jacket and had a grey shirt underneath. Newt was just staring to the crowd of people. Or the ground... Thomas didn't knew.

The sun was shining and the world looked good. Happy even. Thomas liked siting in the sun and feeling the warmth of God. It was soothing to know that you didn't have to pay for all the happiness in the world. That there still was some kind of control.

"I like watching people." Newt says, almost like he was talking to himself, but he wasn't, cause he bumped Thomas' shoulder with his. 

Thomas nods. He could understand that someone so quiet did that a lot. Analyzing his surroundings. Who was what and how did who?

"Watching and wondering. What if I was them. How would it all be? A handful of moments, I wished I could change." Newt says and stares again. Just looking at people... "When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone."

Thomas followed Newt's straight gaze and saw that he was staring at a smiling strong builded football player that was hugging his gorgeous cheerleader girlfriend tightly. 

Thomas knew the boy. He was sweet and caring, but had a drugs problem. 

And the cheerleader had huge arguments with her parents and being threatened that she was being thrown out the house. 

"Maybe I don't want you to change." Thomas says almost as soft as Newt did. Because it was true. He liked the quiet weirdo a lot. "You seem perfectly fine to me." He adds with a smile to the blonde. 

Newt looked Thomas in the eye. "People can't be perfect, cause that doesn't really exist, Tommy." He says before lifting his body off the stairs.

Thomas followed his gestures and stood up. Grabbing Newt's stuff for him and his own.

"I suppose..." Was all said before they walked down. Newt was a lot slower than Thomas and at the end he was panting lightly. 

"You alright Newt?" He asks while they go to the bus. He still had Newt's stuff. He looked like he wouldn't be able to carry anything really.

Newt looked up from where he was staring at the ground. "I'm dealing with it." He said with a smile and walked a little faster as if the show that he was being fine.

Was Thomas buying it?

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"It is about analyzing a statement and putting it in the form of words." Newt tries to pull all the information of 13 pages in one sentence.

Thomas nods and writes something down on his notebook. They are at his house and his mom would be sending little pizza's up any time now. 

"What did you write down?" Newt asks Thomas while shifting his position on the bed and laying on his stomach, face close with Thomas. 

Thomas liked the sight of Newt on his bed, so relaxed and content.

"I wrote your name, cause I want the rest of the students to know how awesome you are really. People don't know you as you are. But you are so wonderful Newt. I'm going to analyze you." He says passionately and Newt blinked a few times at him.

"Sometimes I pretend that I don't have a heart, so I can't have it broken." He said and Thomas wrote it down. "Nobody breaks my heart." He says and Thomas keeps writing.

"You seriously wrote that? Really?" Newt asks with a hint of amusement and a lot of fake irritation.

Thomas nods his head while writing with a grin. "I also loved the one you said that I didn't knew you." He laughed and so did Newt. 

This was a great plan. Making a project about Newt, so people would respect him more and see him. 

Newt could just do what he does and Thomas would write it down. At the end of the project they could together make it up to one big story. 

And they would get a A+. And maybe even a good friendship. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Tommy!" Newt smiled as he saw Thomas sitting on the Stairs. Their usual hang out. It has been a few months since they started the project and they were really close to each other now.

Almost like they were glued. 

Newt came walking up the stair with a smile on his face. Damn he was happy to see Thomas. 

Thomas was his happiness in existence. 

Newt was walking up the stairs in a slow pace. It was hurting his sides when he was hasty or moved to quickly. 

Thomas had petted the spot next to him and Newt gladly sat down. 

Walking was one of those horrible things that tired him out so much. 

"Hey, Buddy." He smiled and pulled his friend in a tight hug. 

Newt gave the hug back with as much power as he could handle. 

"Hey." He said and looked at the busy crowd of people walking around and doing their own thing. Not knowing a certain blonde is analyzing them and looking for something extra to think about.

Thomas was used to Newt just wanting to watch. Not needing to talk or make any social contact with each other. He knew that Newt was far too used by being alone and scanning the world. Not living in it.

When Thomas once brought up to him that it looked like Newt always was in his own world. Newt had shrugged and said; People say I can't last one day in the real world, but I bet they can't survive one night in mine.

Thomas had dropped it and expect it.

Newt loved analyzing, seeing, observing. He always has loved doing things from a distance. Not having to contact other people, because he could just observe from a save place.

But he had to admit, even though he was a isolated idiot, he loved analyzing with Thomas more than alone. 

It was comfortably quiet between them. They always sat almost on the highest point of the stairs, they were almost alone on it. People hardly climbed all the way up like they did.

Thomas' hand dangled close to Newt's hand. It was a weird gesture, but he took the smaller hand. 

Newt didn't flinch or move when Thomas got a hold of him. His hand was warm and firm. Big and gentle.

They both didn't looked at each other, but they felt the heat coming off each other. 

Newt didn't had a lot of friends, but he knew that liking to hold each other's hand wasn't friendly anymore.

Thomas suddenly pointed at two people standing close to each other. Newt looked at the pair.

They had angry looks on their faces and harsh words were being said. 

Newt could make out the tears in the eyes of the girl. She was gorgeous and looked so small and young compared to her company. 

He was holding her hands tightly and barked something out. He looked offended and maybe even mocked, but it came out as anger. Newt saw that by the way his eyes looked at the girl he loves, but had betrayed him.

She says something back, making the boy look surprised. And start sobbing and the boy lets her hands give her a tight hug.

The girl puts her arms around his back and the boy nuzzles her hair.

"Love is a fucking joke." Newt says and scoots closed to Thomas and squeeze his hand tightly. 

"Nothing makes sense on this God damned planet." He says and Thomas looks in interest. This was one of those moments Thomas would write down for the project. 

"I mean..." Newt points at the pair he has been analyzing. "She obviously did something like betrayal, because the guy is crazily possessive over her. Now he wants to put a end on it, letting her leave the jail of living with him, she wants to stay and make him love her." Newt guessed that was the storyline of the pair. Of all his years analyzing he knew about people quickly.

"Maybe... They need each other. Even though they aren't on one line. They know each other." Thomas says and looks Newt in the eye.

"We are exactly the opposite." Thomas says and Newt nods his head lightly. A gesture for him to continue.

"We are totally on one line. Caring, knowing, feeling and doing. But I still don't know you." And that was true. He didn't knew anything of Newt.

Just that he was British and was gorgeous, smart and quiet when other people were around. 

But Newt wasn't a talker about himself. Why did he wear this color of clothes? Why is he so intelligent? How is his family? His history? 

Thomas knew nothing. But there was no haste. Life went slow and wonderful and that was okay.

"Ironic I have to admit." Newt says and pats Thomas on the shoulder with his free hand. "That was a wonderful statement." 

Thomas felt happy being complimented by Newt. That made him feel warm and cozy.

"When are you going to tell me something about you?" Thomas ask, just wanted to know it. There was no rush in their world. It was good.

"You'll never know me." Newt says and without thinking about it (something he didn't do a lot) leaned in to kiss Thomas softly on his puffy wonderful lips.

Before Thomas got to get to real business, Newt pulls away and stands up with a smirk. Still looking at the confused Thomas.

"I believe in the fact, that if you want something enough, you can take it." And with that he walked down the stairs. Leaving Thomas to his own thoughts and wonder.

Why was Newt such a complex person?  
Why did he kiss me?  
Would he do it again?  
Does he like me?   
I love him, but does he love me?

He sighed and put his head in his hands. He loved Newt. He fell in love with the cute British boy. He had found his way to Newt's heart and wouldn't go away. 

"Never..." Thomas whispered to himself, because Newt would be always in his heart. 

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

After hours of talking about nothing really and eating, it is going to happen. Being back at Thomas' house a comfortable place, they finally got it out.

"Newt I am in love with you." Thomas says. Staring into the eyes of his best friend. His angel. His boyfriend (?)

"Tommy..." Newt smiled and a tear fell out his eye to his cheek. He pulled the clumsy boy close to him. Like a shield against the world. 

"Tommy... I know that love is a fucking joke, but I still fall so hard for you." He says before standing on his tip-toes to kiss Thomas for the second time in his life. 

His wonderful sweet caring friend. Boyfriend now. 

Their heartbeats melting together as one. Like a song that was practiced for so long that it wad flawless now. 

Newt's arms around Thomas' neck and Thomas is holding unto Newt's thin waist. 

The flavor of their lunch still in their mouths and now mixed up as one. 

Newt pulled away first and took a deep breath. 

Thomas was as breathless as he was and smiled at his boyfriend. 

He loves him. Like he loves the sun.

He takes Newt's soft hands in his and kisses his knuckles. "Newt. You are wonderful." 

Newt looked at him with his never fading smile. "Tommy, don't be so sappy." He laughed when Thomas looked offended. 

They kept close to each other now while laying on the bed. Newt with his head on Thomas' chest. And Thomas with his arms around Newt. 

"You look really content and relaxed, Newt." Thomas says and runs a hand through his hair. 

"I've got a war going on in my mind." Was the reply that he got. Making Thomas slightly concerned, but he didn't dwell too much on Newt's words. He'd learned that a while ago.

"Sometimes I want to go back to being a child." Newt whispers with a sad look on his face. "Being young and careless about the world. Not needing to analyze people, cause we're all friends." 

It looked like Newt really craved it. Childhood.

"I wish that I didn't have to talk to show how I feel. Because now I feel like people wouldn't understand, so what's the use?" Newt had a tight grip of Thomas' hand.

"I wonder so much about my childhood that I might just do it over." He said and Thomas chuckled.

"We'll play in the park and go to see the lions in the zoo. I'll make sure to Mother-you-up." Thomas kissed Newt's hair softly.

"I'll make you as happy as childhood can."

Newt was glad he said that.

They loved each other, so nothing else matters really. Everything was possible now. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Thomas had received a few text messages from Newt to meet now at the stairs.

He sounded so worried and hurried that Thomas ran out the house at 3 am and went in his pajama to their hang out.

They hadn't seen each other for two weeks, cause Newt was on vacation in London. He came back this afternoon, so Thomas thought he'd be too tired to do something.

When he came at the Stairs, Newt was there already. He was at the highest level, looking at the moon. It was full tonight. It looked wonderful and shiny. 

Thomas ran up the stairs and sat next to the bad looking Newt. 

They both stared forward like always. Analyzing the world together.

Newt had bags under his eyes and he looked thinner than ever. His pale skin had almost became white. His eyes looking like they could fall out his head. 

He was shaking. But Thomas never saw him shaking in fear before, so it couldn't be fear.

Newt looked like a of things, but simply said; exhausted. 

Thomas just wants him to say what's wrong. Whatever it is. They could do it together, like everything they do. 

Newt didn't turn to him. Of course not, so Thomas took his hand and they looked together at the empty square. 

They loved the few of the world in darkness. The darkness was wonderful for Newt. He loved it. He wanted to say it out loud, but it certainly sounds stupid. 

Because once he was in darkness, so darkness he became. 

He never felt the warmth of the sun on his skin. He couldn't feel it. He sometimes couldn't feel anything.

But Thomas he felt. He felt Thomas' presence and love. He felt Thomas' warmth and movement. 

They'd go through fire for each other. They'd murder for each other. Hurt for each other and smile for each other.

"I have cancer. And it's not going anywhere else than my body anytime soon..." Newt says as if he was talking about the weather. Like he didn't just confirmed that his death was around the corner. Waiting- lurking. 

Thomas was paralyzed. Shocked. Stopped. Shut down. Fell off. Disarmed. Weakened. Dazed. Sad. Scared. 

"I can't eat and I can't sleep, because I'm scared to miss you. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?" Newt asks and looked at the consuming darkness. Matching his heart. Matching his pain and exhaustion.

"I didn't mean to fuck everything up." He said and finally. Finally turned to Thomas. 

Newt had a tear falling down and Thomas was crying and sobbing. This couldn't be their end right? It couldn't be.

"Come here." Newt said and took Thomas in his arms. Letting his boyfriend cry on his thin and breakable shoulder.

Newt soothed him with kisses on his hair and strokes on his back.

The pain was so horrible. It was so much. It was so hard telling Thomas the horrible news.

He knew he was sick. He knew it was serious, but he never guessed to die at age of seventeen.

He had tears in his eyes that wanted to fall, but he didn't allowed it. He would never let Thomas down like that. Crying for something that was his own fault.

"I'm not crying." He said out loud, making sure he believed himself. 

Thomas sobbed a loud clear pained sob out and tensed in Newt's arms. "Why you? You never. Ever. Ever, deserved this." Thomas says and sniffed Newt's familiar scent.

"I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment." Newt said and stroked Thomas with a troubled sigh.

"It's alright... You never wanted this. I'm not blaming you, I'd never do." Thomas said and looked Newt in the eyes.

His eyes puffy and pink from crying and cheeks wet. 

"I'm staying right here. Together. Fighting." He said, trying to sound brave and strong so Newt wouldn't feel alone or shut out.

"Together." Newt said and they looked in each other's eyes. 

They shared their third kiss there. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Tommyboy: R u coming 2 school 2day???

Newtie-cutie: have chemotherapy till twelve, maybe after that I'll come for a hour or so.

Tommyboy: keep strong. I miss you bæ. 

Newtie-cutie: I'm doing my best Sweety.

Tommyboy: I know Newtyfull. Hope I'll c u 2day.

Newtie-cutie: I hope too...

 

"Thomas. Who are you texting?" Brenda asks angrily while Minho starts laughing in amusement. 

Thomas promised to help them with their project, but he kept texting Newt. 

"Newt..." He said sadly. Nobody knew about the illness (Thomas only told Minho) and people wondered why Newt was being less and less around. Thomas had promised to shut up about it to anyone, so he did. 

Brenda sighed loudly. "I thought that you came to help and not too text with weirdo." Thomas rolls his eyes. Because one day they'll see who Newt is.

"Newt is not a weirdo, Brenda. Newt is different from everyone and that makes him ten times better than you." Thomas says and grabs his stuff quickly and puts it in his bag.

"I see you at lunch, Minho." Thomas almost barks out while storming to the door. Not caring about the fact everyone was staring at him. 

It frustrated him that Newt was being called a weirdo. Newt was stronger and smarter than any of them. Nobody could talk about him like that.

Thomas was being consumed by the crowd of all the other students. Hr hated being around so many people and not having Newt here to help him judge people.

It was nasty how this world works. It was unfair. It had hurt him. Newt never deserved any of this bullshit.

Thomas wanted to have more time with Newt. Not this pain they live in. Not this time-bomb.

"Thomas! Wait!" Minho ran after him and stopped right next to him. They walked together to next class.

But of course Minho wasn't Newt, so he started talking after a short silence. "I'm sorry for everything I ever said about him..."

Thomas had a small smile tugging at the corners of his Lips. Minho was never all too bad about Newt, but saying that he was sorry was really strong and Thomas was proud.

"It's alright Min.... It's just..." Thomas doesn't talk about Newt when he wasn't around, but he needed to say it. 

"It's just that he is not getting better. He is only getting worse..." Thomas had tears in his eyes, but he could never let them spill. Never he would be weak for Newt.

"Maybe we can look him up in the hospital... You said he was going to sleep there next week. Let's bring him a card." Minho smiles and Thomas loves the idea. Every second with Newt was alright.

"That'd be awesome Min. Thank you." 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Newton is in room A5. That's the the second floor, first door left." The woman smiles and Thomas nods his head in thanks. He knew where it was, he comes here three times a day.

It has been another handful of weeks since the entire Brenda stuff. Thomas had shrugged it off with a little afford. Not telling Newt about what people said about him, cause he probably knew already.

Newt was getting sicker and sicker by the day. His body was unhealthily thin and he was as pale as snow. Walking he didn't do unescorted. He always needed people to help him, even if he said he didn't. Isn't it sad that he was so hurt that he could actually almost say that he was used to it.

Newt was sleepy all the time and never hungry. He was weak and could barely squeeze Thomas' hand when he held it. His speech was slurred, but still he held his way of talking.

Newt refused to stay home, and went to school five hours a week. And it exhausted him. 

Thomas opened the door of Newt's room softly, maybe he was sleeping...

"Tommy?" Newt asks and Thomas quickly walks to his boyfriends bed. He leans over Newt with a smile.

"Right here, Beautiful." Newt smiled up at him and reached out to stroke his hair.

"Missed you. Come here." He says slurred and tired. Thomas shrugs his jacket off and kicks his shoes off before laying in bed next to Newt.

Newt laid his head on Thomas' chest. And he knew that Newt shouldn't be this light. 

Thomas puts his arms around Newt's small frame and plays with the thinning hair.

Newt tries to squeeze Thomas in a hug, but it was barely noticeable that he did his best to hold unto him. Newt was weak, and it was because of the medicines he got.

Thomas wanted to go outside with him. Analyzing people on the stairs... But Newt couldn't find the strength to do so. He wanted to, but it was hard with the Chemo.

"Tommy... I'm losing..." Newt said after a long silence. 

Thomas held him closer. "What?" He asks softly and kissed his boyfriends forehead.

"Myself." Newt said and took a deep breath. "I'm losing myself in the medicines, the sickness, hospital, my bed... The chemo..." Thomas held Newt tighter, maybe even hurting him a little bit.

"I-.... The hardest thing is to kill the monster inside you, without killing yourself with it." He said and looked up in Thomas' eyes.

"I'm not giving up..." Newt says, and Thomas could feel it coming now. "I'm just... Not going to die like this. I want to die in my own bed. I want to have seen the sun go down and hear the world move." Newt looked with sad eyes at Thomas. 

"Do you get that, Tommy. My last moments are going to be with you. I stop with the Chemo." Thomas would've cried if he wouldn't understand, but he did.

He did understand that Newt didn't want to end here. He wanted time to live his last moments. And Thomas was glad to do it with him.

"I'm so proud of you, Newt." Thomas said and was proud of his boy. Because most people wouldn't last so long with his kind of cancer. His organs stopped functioning slowly and one by one. It was hard to go on with the Therapy. Newt got tired and sad...

"When are you coming home?" Thomas asks and Newt beams at him. "I'm getting home today, and school tomorrow." Newt said and Thomas took his hand and kissed it,

"Can't wait to see you at school then." Thomas said and kissed Newt on the lips, softly and quick. 

"I love you Tommy." Newt said a little slurred and his eyes battling to stay open.

"Love you Newt..." Thomas said and stroked Newt to sleep. He needed rest if he wanted to go home. 

"Sssh... Sleep... Sleep and live tomorrow. We're going to have so much fun together." Thomas whispered right in Newt's ear while he fell asleep.

His wonderful beautiful strong and sweet boyfriend.

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Tommy, I'm here." Newt said while he rolled in his wheelchair to his boyfriend. He was already in the cafeteria with Minho. 

Now Newt sat in a wheelchair and he was dismissed in class almost every day. People start to notice that he was sick, and he was being handled differently by everyone. Not that he cared.

Newt was better without the Therapy, but the cancer came quicker and harder. He felt less tired, and more alive.

Thomas immediately stood up to help Newt roll to the table.

"Hey hottie." Thomas smiled and rolled Newt to sit between Minho and him.

"Hello Minho." Newt smiled and Minho returned it. "Good afternoon Newt, how are you doing?" It was a stupid question really. Newt was sick.

"I'm fine, the only thing is that I have a disease that will kill me between now and probably a few weeks." Newt smiled and Minho laughed. They shared some kind of weird humor, Thomas knew. He loved seeing Newt laugh with Minho. That made him content and look healthy for a second.

Thomas smiled at Newt. "What do you want to eat, cutie-pie? He gestured to his own food. It was filled with different kind of foods, but Newt shook his head.

"I... I haven't felt like eating for six days, and I haven't eaten anything for three days in a row." Newt said and Thomas sighed sadly. 

He pulled Newt in a hard hug. Not eating is the start of the end. Thomas knew that. 

Minho patted Newt's back soothingly. Not having the right words to tell him how sorry he was for this end.

"Guys... It's alright. I think I can have some crackers and maybe a sip of tea." Newt said and untangled himself to force food in his mouth.

Thomas had a hard time letting go of Newt's way of staying alive. He barely eat. Hardly slept. And lived mostly on tea.

Minho smiled and went to get Newt some warm tea. Leaving Thomas to his small weakening boyfriend.

"See me at the stairs around seven. I need you to bring a blanket and pillow." Thomas nods at his boyfriend. He couldn't deny the boy anything. He never really asked for something. Just his presence.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Newt was waiting down stairs in his wheelchair when Thomas came walking with a blanket and a pillow. (And a basket of food) 

"Tommy." Newt smiled and Thomas did the same before Newt held his arms open, "Carry me up, please." 

Thomas smiled and took Newt bridal style up the stairs, leaving the wheelchair down the stairs and dropping his stuff.

"You are so strong..." Newt smiled dreamily at Thomas. How he didn't have to put afford in carrying him.

"You are so thin." Thomas smiled back at Newt. Newt smiled when Thomas pulled him down on their spot.

"I'm getting the other stuff. Wait here." Thomas says before hopping back down. Leaving Newt alone, looking at the little crowd of people. 

It was a sunny day. Newt loves those the most when he could be outside. Smelling and feeling. Not thinking about how quickly this all could be over.

He had decided to die. And he would do it good. 

"Here you go." Thomas had put the wheelchair chained to his bike and he had dragged Newt and his stuff up.

He sat next to Newt and let all the stuff drop on the ground. 

A content sigh left his mouth when Newt laid his head on Thomas' broad shoulder. 

Newt didn't mind dying. He minded the side effects. The things he will leave behind...

"You can cry if you want to." Thomas said and held Newt's small thin hand. Newt squeezed it as hard as he could, but it was barely there.

He hated crying. He hated it. He wanted to smile. Smile until death comes to get him.

"I'm sick of crying. Tired of trying, yes I'm smiling, but from the inside I'm dying." Newt said and Thomas pulled him closer.

"That's just sick." He smiled at Newt after he said that. Newt was one hella smartass. "Sicker than me?" Newt challenged and Thomas laughed.

After they calmed down a little bit they did what they always did...

Analyzing people. Together.

It was silent between them and Newt was feeling better than he did in months. Being with Thomas was a cure to any illness or pain.

The sun was going down slowly and the world turned orange. People moved around to go home or... Anywhere...

Life looked clueless and empty sometimes. Newt knew that. He knew that since the moment his body gave up on him. 

Human beings should spent their free and small life in happiness. If you are healthy and happy, what the hell are you complaining about? 

Newt hated people acting as if they were sad and lonely. Even he was moved by the beauty of everything, and look how he is doing.

"Maybe self-destruction is the answer." He suddenly said and Thomas looked at him questionably. 

Newt laid his head against Thomas' chest and breathed his familiar scent in. His voice muffled by the fabric of Thomas' shirt.

"I mean... It is my body that created the tumor. I killed myself. There is no other way to put it, we humans are always waiting for someone else to blame, but what if I don't? Does that make me special?" Newt closed his eyes and breathed Thomas in again. 

Thomas hugged Newt closer to his chest and kissed the boy's hair.

"You didn't kill yourself. You cannot just... Blame yourself Newt. I don't want you to die like that. I really don't." Thomas said and Newt looked up at him.

"There is a reason why I dragged us here." He said and Thomas nodded, knowing that he should let Newt finish talking before questions.

"I... Do you remember when we first met, that I was writing in a book?" Thomas nods twice to show he really listened and that he'd never forget how they met.

"That book... Was a Therapy book. I had to write about what made me happy and excited..." Newt said and Thomas nodded. "When I saw you being my partner... I couldn't wait. I was too excited and happy." Thomas smiled at that.

"The book... The book was called; 'You'll never know me.' But when I'm death, I want you to read the last page." Newt says and Thomas keeps his tears in.

It wasn't a question. It was something Newt really wished from Thomas, so he nodded and kissed Newt on the lips softly. 

Newt was breathing heavy after three seconds and Thomas pulled away to let him breathe.

"Sorry..." Newt said breathlessly and Thomas patted his hair. "Take it easy blondie." He smiled and so did Newt.

After a few more minutes the two began analyzing again. Looking at the wonderful sunset together.

Newt loved this. He loved the feeling of his only love next to him. He loved it that here he wouldn't be reminded of his coming dead.

"Why the blanket and pillow?" Thomas asked Newt with a small curious smile.

"We are spending the night here, working on the project." Newt said and Thomas laughed. "Okay."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

After a few hours of work, Newt fell asleep on Thomas' chest. Totally exhausted and worked out. 

They laid on the stairs and the blanket thrown messily over them. 

Thomas was humming a song he hardly remembered and held onto Newt. His beautiful dying boyfriend.

How he was going to miss him. It was unbelievable. The doctors gave Newt a maximum of two more weeks. 

It was horrible that Newt excepted his fate, but understandable and wise. 

But it was horrible to know that Newt could drop dead any moment now. 

Thomas held his wrist painfully tight, Thomas needed prove that he was there. Still together. Always together.

They finally finished the project together, something Newt wanted to accomplish before the very end.

Thomas grabbed Newt even harder and lovingly. "Please stay a little longer... For me?" He whispered right in Newt's ear. 

His response was a little snore. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"T-tom... Tom-my..." Newt breathed heavily in the phone. He couldn't breathe properly anymore. It has been a week and five days since the stairs, and he became sicker and sicker. 

"Newt?! Newt you alright?!" Thomas asks hurriedly in his iPhone. Already pulling clothes on and walking to the door.

"I... I... Tommy. Tom, come quickly." He said and Thomas had some kind of superpower in him, cause he was running so hard to his mom's car that it hurt.

"It's okay. Newt. It's okay. Don't worry, I'm there in a second. Stay where you are." Thomas warned him and drove twice as hard as the limit. 

"T-thank you..."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Newt?" Thomas asked when Newt's head was laid in his lap and both laid on the couch. Thomas had rushed into the house and found Newt paler, sicker and more pained than ever. 

Thomas sat upright and held Newt's weak small hand. 

Newt's eyes were locked on his and his body was curled up against Thomas'. 

"Mhm?" Newt questioned and wanted to squeeze Thomas' hand. He needed to. He wanted to so bad. But there was no kind of force for it. He had no strength for anything else than listening. 

Thomas held back his upcoming tears. "Are you dying?" He asked painfully, almost knowing the answer himself.

Newt hummed softly and looked at Thomas lovingly. 

"I've... Been dying for months now..." He said and Thomas held his tears in. He needed to be strong for Newt.

"B-but I believe that... That it's getting to an end now." Newt said sadly with a soft sigh. 

Thomas' breath was caught in his throat. It was all ending here. This was it.

Newt is dying.

Thomas had prepared himself for this moment. For the fact that it had to come one day. He had told himself to get Newt through it, and break down after him...

"Newt..." Thomas held him tighter and held his hand firmly. Just to show he is here. "My beautiful, wonderful Newt." 

"Know that I love you. Wherever you go after this. You are my sunshine and angel. My little smartass, analyzing everyone like a Sherlock Holmes." Thomas strokes Newt's hair with the hand they don't hold each other.

"Tommy... When I told you that.... I was s-sick... And said that I can't eat and I can't sleep, because I'm scared to miss you... I want you to... Promise me that you keep... Living. Work for your di-ploma and have a beautiful healthy boyfriend..." Newt said and Thomas nods with tears in his eyes. 

"Promise." He croaked out with a hurt voice full of pain. Newt had a content smile on his face. "Good that."

Thomas kept touching Newt lovingly. His skin still warm and alive. "I-... I used to love analyzing with you. Watching moves, steps... People and the world. You taught me so much, Newt. I never got to say Thank you." 

Newt smiled softly. "I love teaching you. You're so very welcome Tommyboy." He wanted to cry. Yell for Newt to survive. One more day. Please. Please. 

"A handful of moments... I wished I could change..." Newt said, his own tears falling down his cheeks softly. 

"But... Maybe I don't want you to change." Thomas cried and tried not to sob. This was his Newt. His Newt. 

He couldn't just...

"I used to think that being alone would save me... That nobody was going to hurt me as long as I was by myself... That I did as if I don't have a heart would help me... But that was before you came..." Newt's speech slurred some and his eyes kept watering. "You were the one that helped me dragging my body around..."

Thomas squeezed Newt's hand lovingly. He sniffled and held Newt closer to him.

Newt was breathing slower and movements went heavy and in almost slow motion. 

"Tommy... Tommy, please... Kiss me... I... I love you..." Newt whispered so softly that Thomas hardly understood.

He leaned forward slowly to place his lips on Newt's thin ones.

It was soft. It was quick. It was wonderful. It was them. It described them. 

"Newt I love you." Thomas said before leaning back to look at his boyfriend. 

Newt lay with his head in Thomas' lap, looking unfocused at the ceiling. His body went completely limb.

"Newt?" A painted sob left Thomas. 

He looked at the pale hand he held. It was numb... And extremely cold.

"Newt please." He cried, his body shaking in fear and loss. He kissed their entangled hands. 

"Newt no! Don't leave!" Thomas cried like a little boy. "I need you! Come back!" He sobbed so hard and painful that it looked like Newt moved with him.

"Newt... Newt please... Come back." Thomas looked in the eyes of his beloved. He closed them with his fingers and held the dead body close.

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 

"Thomas, come forward for your Project presentation." The teacher called out and Thomas nodded while standing up.

He held his notes in his sweating hands while standing in front of all the students of the class.

He looked at Minho, his friend nods twice and smiles softly.

"My project is about... About Newt." He said the name so pained that the class flinched. "Newt was my boyfriend and soul." Thomas said and looks at his notes.

"He taught me that you can come over darkness and find the light. That even if you feel weak and lonely, there is always something to care about, smile about, be happy about." Thomas said and looked to the class.

"He told me about pain and loss. That he was the one killing himself and that being lonely was a answer to his questions, until I came. I changed him and he changed me. The only difference is that it will effect me forever and he only had a number of days." Thomas looked at his notes with tears in his eyes.

"179. That was the number." Thomas looks everyone in the eye. "This were the days I could spent with someone I thought was crazy and weird... And turned out to be my soulmate and angel." Thomas looks at the notes once again and thinks about how Newt would react to this presentation.

"I... I want to publish the book he wrote about what made him happy in darkness. I talked to book publishing companies, and they almost fought for it." Thomas smiles at the thought of making people believe how important Newt really was. Not a weirdo...

"It's called 'you'll never know me' it was one of the first things we talked about..." Thomas let's one tear drop.

"I'm going to make sure the world knows Newt and will respect his perspective of the world. I'll make sure to get you all a hardcover version of it." Thomas looks at the teacher and smiles. 

"I want to thank you for giving me a extra month to get myself together for this. I cannot simply let go of Newt, because he is me and I really need more time, but this project meant so much for him that it was supposed to be flawless." Thomas finished with a small smile.

"I miss you Newt." He said and gave the 54 pages long investigation to the teacher. "Thank you for listening. I hope you'll read his book." 

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 

Dear Tommy, 

My dearest treasure, sweetest boy and angel. 

I wanted to... Thank you. For hanging around. Making my last 179 days brighter than the light of God. Thank you for the kindness, love and time.

I remember telling you everything I thought. Something I used to be scared of. Because my thoughts were mine and no else.   
You made all of it different. Changed me and helped me. I told you that I wanted to change and I'm happy you did that for me.

My sun had gone. My heart was empty. My life was dark and full of pain. Until you came to pull me out. My life was better while I had cancer with you around, than being alone and healthy. 

Do you know why I called my book 'You'll never know me' because I felt comfort in having something nobody else had. Myself.

Until you came, and I should change the entire book. All my thoughts and pain doesn't exist anymore. Because Tommy, you know me.

Remember the promise? Tell Minho I miss him. Best wishes to my mother in England.

And remember I love you. 

\- x x x your Newt

 

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

-end-

**Author's Note:**

> Are you sad? Have you cried? I'm sorry sweetie!! Please comment :)


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